One particular incident from my childhood always sticks out
in my mind. I had accidently broken a
cup and, despite knowing that I was in a loving home, my immediate reaction was
one of fear – what would happen? My
mother responded gently, “It’s okay, sweetie, accidents happen.” As a youngish child, that was such a pivotal
experience of grace. There was no
punishment, no reprimand, just gentle grace.
It’s something I have always kept in mind as I raise my own
children. Of course, I know I haven’t
succeeded all the time. Especially on
accidental matters. It always seems too
easy to react with a raised voice and to add on a rebuke, “if you weren’t
running this wouldn’t have happened; or if you’d just been more careful it
wouldn’t have happened!”
How much harder it is to show grace when the transgressions
are not just accidental, but deliberate thought-out choices: hitting their
brother, saying something rude, and so on.
Yet God models such amazing grace to us. There are very few instances where Jesus rebukes
people for sin, instead His encouraging presence seems to lead them to their
own sense of conviction and repentance (Zaccheus). Jesus seems less concerned with the past and
more with the future. To the woman
caught in adultery there is no lecture or urging her to think about how she got
into the situation, just an injunction to go and sin no more.
What is grace? When does someone deserve grace? When they are repentant? When they have shown remorse? The definition of grace is ‘unmerited favour’. God says that while we were still sinners,
his grace was released on us. Of course
grace doesn’t mean that there are no consequences to be faced or things to be
mended, but that these are to be administered in a spirit of grace.
There isn’t a good word in English for showing grace to
others. We have gracious, but that inspires images of the ‘gracious’ queen bending
regally down to her subjects. We have graceful, but again this inspires images
of ballerinas and their fluid movements.
Kindness is probably
the best word, but it seems too weak to hold this powerful concept of acting
with love and good intent towards those who do not deserve it. Perhaps the compound loving-kindness can
capture the idea of being full of grace toward others.
It’s not just kids who need grace. Parents need it too.
Many of us place tremendous expectations on ourselves to be ‘good
parents’. Yet the Bible pretty much
assumes that we will love our children (note the many parental metaphors). We are urged simply to pass on what we know
to be true, to our kids. And really that’s
pretty much all we can do. Take care of
their bodies and minds and hearts with that which we have and know. And it is 100% guaranteed that we will make
mistakes, because we are all flawed and limited human beings. If we have added Jesus into our life
equation, we have access to tremendous resources in Him. But, but… we are still limited by the choices
our children make for themselves. God
has given them a free will and as much as we can guide and direct them, they
ultimately are responsible for their own actions, whether we have messed up or
not.
I have sat with several friends whose kids have messed up
and they are so ready to take the blame on themselves. I too have experienced on several occasions the
deep pain when my children have chosen a path I didn’t feel was good, and felt the guilt
come swarming in. What did I do wrong, I
cry to God.
On a recent occasion I received this beautiful message from
a friend. I can see that she is someone
who understands the concept of grace.
‘Dearest friend, I just want to
say my heart goes out to you and your family.
Everybody makes mistakes somewhere in life and God’s most amazing
characteristic is His immediate and total forgiveness and love. To every single
body. Always. And please know that I
still love your son. We all do. He is a stunning young man, as you are a
stunning Mum. And just know that it will
all work out for the best in the end.’
Her kind words were a balm to my wounds. Let’s remember this as we deal with one another
on this planet which is so often a harsh environment. There is a place for learning to do better
and a time for rebuke but at all times and especially when we have been deeply
hurt, we need grace.
References:
The story of Zaccheus - Luke 19
The woman caught in adultery – John 8
God’s grace to us - Ephesians 2
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