I grew up always feeling outside or other. Some of these reasons were: Being an only child – it’s a lot more common today, but in the ‘70s it frequently meant I was viewed differently and excluded from the mystical world of sibling-hood and the classic Cosby family picture. Also, we didn’t have a television. My parent being avid readers and viewing themselves as somewhat bohemian, intellectual sorts; decided not to buy-in to the TV culture which was sweeping the nation in the early 70s – this not only led to frequent questions of, “Are you poor?”, but it left me outside the chit-chat and copycat games of Charlie’s Angels, Pop Shop and The Bold and the Beautiful. And then just to put the cherry on the cake, we lived in a brand new suburb where schools had not yet been built, which meant that physically I was also an outsider from school, where it seemed that everyone else was in walking or cycling distance from one another.
Then we come to the end of Grade 6 where I go off to a leadership camp to pick the next year’s prefects. Introverts will cringe with me as I mention the words ‘team-building activities’ and ‘obstacle courses’. Fast-forward to the last night’s campfire where the vice-head teacher invites us to vote for our future leaders. One by one the names are called and hands are raised. I have no recollection of my own name being called, maybe we closed our eyes? I don’t remember. What I do remember is myself as an earnest 11 year old, hearing each name called, and not voting for anyone…
You see I didn’t intend NOT to vote, but as each name was called, I carefully evaluated and found them wanting in some way. Clearly, my standards were way too high!
I don’t believe that I thought I was better than everyone, I think I was just a young idealist (time has borne this out) with high ideals for leaders! I was still discovering my own mind and how the world works. Realising that I had voted for no-one and that we were out of names, I would have loved to go back and say, ‘Ok right, let’s go through the list again.’ Sitting in the dim light of the campfire I was not aware that anyone was watching this inner journey of discovery going on, but someone had. To my utter mortification the vice-head teacher called me out, “Why have you not voted?”
How could I reply? Hardly knowing my own mind, I could not admit my own truth – that I hadn’t thought anyone was ‘good enough’ - so I said, "I don't know." His disdain for me was palpable, and I don’t recall him saying anything else, but I knew in that moment, there was absolutely no chance I was going to be a prefect.
When I got home, I sat down with my mother with whom I was always open and related the story. What a balm to my soul as we reached the end of this sorry tale and there was no judgement from her, but an outright laugh, “I’m proud of you she said, you didn’t conform to the expectation, and we are raising you to be a non-conformist!”
Sometimes huge chunks of one’s character can be moulded in one moment like that.
Embracing that freedom not to fit in with the crowd has many a time been intensely liberating. There have been several times in my life where my mother’s words have empowered me to stand alone. I have also learned that invariably you are not alone – you will find there is a small tribe somewhere who will welcome you and embrace your thinking. Seek them out!
This has been especially true in matters of Faith – which is odd because Faith seems so often to form itself in community; how alone one then is when one cannot find a community of Faith!
At other times it has been a comfort when I have desperately wanted to fit in and found that for reasons beyond my control, I just could not! With time I have learned that those who seem to fit in the most are often the most enslaved to others, or what others think. I have also learned that the feeling of being outside looking in is common to all of humanity.
My determination is this: Embrace your uniqueness. Allow yourself to feel the pain of exclusion. Know that it is at once precious and meaningless! Precious, because it reveals you as unique, individual and worthy of your own view of the world. Meaningless, because it is also often a figment of your own construction of the world. Often it is not your family, your income, your background, your gender, your race, your ability, your education or any other damn thing that puts you outside – it is only your choice. Don't allow those things to determine your ability to belong or participate.
Make sure your choice is honourable and pure. Examine it scrupulously; and should it reveal an unworthy or false opinion, then deal with it swiftly and brutally. But if it is worthy and true, then stand by it, no matter what.
To conform or not, to fit in or not, to participate or not, to act or not... is your choice, and your ability to make it is pure power.
“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” (Romans 12, The Message)
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